The Hogwarts Bathroom
by Potatoad
Summary: The most toilet humor in a Harry Potter fic ever!
1. Default Chapter Title

The Hogwarts Bathroom  
  
Disclamer: I do not own any of the Harry Potter charactors or the Hogwarts bathroom, and I wouldn't want to own the Hogwarts bathroom  
  
Lee Jorden and the Weasly twins ran into the great hall laughing,  
"Hey Ron, Harry, we just cloged the sinks in the bathroom with toilet paper and turned the taps on!" said Fred.  
"We turned it on full blast!" said George.  
"I gotta see this!" yelled Ron, and he and Harry ran to the bathroom.  
  
"Woah look at all this water!" said Harry.  
"It's up to my knees!" said Ron.  
"Hello?" came a voice from a cubicle. "Is there anyone there?, can anyone here me?, it seems I have ran out of toliet paper, its so embarising, please someone give me some toliet paper! I don't wanna use my hand!"  
"Maybe we should help him" said Harry  
"No, this is funny!" said Ron  
"It will stink and squish man" said the voice. "help me!, theres no paper!, I'm not using my robes man!, is there anyone there? please help me!". (FART SOUND) "It's all wet, I have diareha man I need toliet paper fast!"  
"Tolietus Paperus" said Harry as he pointed his wand at the cubicle  
"thank you! thank you!" said the voice, then the boy the voice belonged to walked out holding a roll of toliet paper.  
"Hey look its Nevlle Long bottom!" said Harry.  
"Yeah, and now we know why they call him Longbottom" said Ron.  
"Umm, no we don't" said Harry.  
"Well we know why they should call him wetbottom, or spends-a-long-time-on-the-tolietbotom or something" replyed Ron  
  
Just then Colin Creavy came in; "What happend here!" he said  
"Harry saved me from a fate worse than death!" said Neville.  
"Let me get a photo" said Colin, and just as he took the photo the roll of toliet paper turned into a million tiny little rats.  
"Colin!" yelled Harry "You can't photograph magic toliet paper!"  
"Oh no there was some toilet paper in my pants!" cryed Neville as he started runing around the bathroom where the water was now up to there waists.  
"AAHHHH! MY BATHROOM!" yelled someone, everyone turned around, it was Filtch the caretaker and his cat who had started dog-paddling or more aporpiatly cat-paddling after some tiny rats that had just crawled out of Nevilles pants.  
"AAHHHH! MY CAT!" yelled Filtch.   
  
Just then Dumbledor came in.   
"AAHHHH! MY DUMBLEDOR!" yelled Filtch, "I mean, what are you doing here Professer?"  
"Well the staff toliets are full of tiny rats and I needed to take a dump" said Dumbledor  
"Tiny rats?" said Harry, "Colin Have you..."  
"I couldn't resist" interupted Colin, "The great Dumbledor taking a dump, it would be a great photo!"  
"Well I must fix this" said Dumbledor "Wheres my wand?" Dumbledor reachs for his wand but grabs a toilet brush instead, "Tolietus Drainus!" yelled Dumbledor pointing the toliet brush at the nearest toliet, suddenly the toliet went flying through the roof  
"I wonder where thats gonna land" said Ron.   
  
In walked Snape; "Who's behind this?" he said, he looked around, "Ahh Poter and the Weasle"  
"No, the other weasles!" said Ron who was trying not to swolow the water.  
  
Hagrid runs in; "THERE'S A TOILET ON ME 'ED!" he yelled.  
"So thats where it landed" said Ron.  
"Yes I can see that Hagrid" said Dumbledor "And please, lift the seat"  
"I duno what the worlds comin' to if I can't sit on the toilet with out having an'other one land on me 'ed" said Hagrid.   
"I'm trying to get it off Hagrid" replyed Dumbledor.  
"No yer not, yer jus' wavin' a toilet brush at it!" said Hagrid  
"What? toilet brush!, who replaced my wand with a toilet brush!" yelled Dumbledor  
  
All of a suden Lord Voldamort burst in with his fly undone; "Man I gotta go!" he yelled   
  
To Be Continued...  
  
A/N : Please tell me your ideas for part two!   



	2. Default Chapter Title

The Hogwarts Bathroom - Part 2  
  
Disclamer: I do not own any of the Harry Potter charactors or the Hogwarts bathroom, and I wouldn't want to own the Hogwarts bathroom  
  
A/N Thanks to Firecross and Ginny for your ideas I used in this story, and anyone else who sent me ideas that I wasn't able to use   
  
When we last left off Harry, Ron, Nevlle, Colin (Acompanyed by alot of tiny rats), Filtch, Dumbledore (Waving a toilet brush round), Snape, Hagrid (With a toilet on his head) and the man no fic is compleate without (even though in this fic his being there makes no sence) Voldie! who is having some bladder problems...  
  
..."There is dark magic here more powerful than my own!" cryed Voldamort and swam out the nearest window and aperated away.   
At that same time in The Malfoy's bathroom Lucius Malfoy walks in whistling and swinging a copy of the Daily Prophet in his hand, pushes open the door to the gentlemen's room, Voldie is crouched on the can, face contorted.  
"Whoops! Sorry 'bout that, m'Lord.. heh heh.. didn't realize you were in here"  
Voldamort, robes gathered up around his waist like a dress, starts screaming "GET OUT!! OUT!" he draws out his wand, "You will pay!   
"Okay, okay, SHEESH. Don't take your constipation out on me. Geez. Not always calling me your 'slippery friend' for nothin' are ya?" says Mr Malfoy while backing away.  
"OUT!!!" yells Voldamort.  
  
Back at hogwarts....  
"Well I must go find another bathroom.....Fast!" said Dumbledore  
"Professer, may I have permission to leave work for a few weeks?" asked Snape  
"Well under the circumstances, ahh those circumstances being I realy gotta go! do what you want!" replyed Dumbledore "Filtch, Hagrid clean this mess"  
"THERES STILL A BLOOMIN' TOILET ON ME 'ED!" yelled Hagrid, but Dumbledore and snape had already left the room.  
"Where do you think you you're all going" said Filtch as Harry, Ron, Nevlle, and Colin tryed to sneak out the door.  
"We need to get to class" said Colin  
"Well you can go if you take your rats with you, and you to Nevlle becouse you understand the importance of toilet paper- unlike some people I know" Filtch said looking at Ron  
"What always wipe! said Ron "I wipe so hard that its-"  
"Don't need to know Ron!" interupted Harry.  
"Now help me clean this up" sad filtch  
"ALLO!" called Hagrid "LOOK AT ME 'ED, WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE, THIS WAS NOT ON ME 'ED WHEN I WOKE UP!"  
  
Back in the class room...  
"Where are Potter and Weasley?" asked Prof. McGonagall   
"In the toilet" yelled Nevlle   
"Together?" asked Prof McGonigal  
"With Hagrid and Filtch" replyed Nevlle  
"Well I'll have to see to this" said Prof. McGonagall and she walked up to the bathroom.  
"I see" she said "Hagrid. whats that on your head? are tring to keep up with the students fads again, next you'll be on one of those scooter thingies, and I hear thay are quite dangerous and for a man of your waight and with that on your head-"  
"ITS A BLOOMIN' TOILET!, NOW GET IT OFF ME 'ED!" yelled Hagrid  
"Oh fine" said Prof McGonagall "Removus Toiletus"  
"Oohh, that'll leave a mark" said Hagrid  
"Yes go home and rest, the rest of you get cleaning" said Prof. McGonigal, and she and Hagrid left  
Ron starts singing: "Oh dear what a catastrofy three old ladies got stuck in the lavatry they were there from Monday to Saturday nobody knew they were there"  
Harry looked at him oddly "What are you singing?" he asked  
"It just seemed right thats all" answered Ron.  
Just then Dumbledore burst in, "the water has leaked into my office, it was like water world in there, gee that brings back some bad memorys...  
Flash back to a hogwarts feild trip...  
"Look Professer I'm gonna pat the shark" calls a student  
"No! No Timmy!" yells Dumbledore  
Back to hogwarts...  
"TIMMMMYYYYY!!" yelled Dumbledore, Harry and Ron both looked at him oddly  
"Well good thing I knew an anti flood spell" said Dumbledore "I'll just use it in here while you get back to class, we have a visit from the ministery of magic soon...  
  
To Be Continued...  
  
In part 3 we find out what the ministery thinks of this incident and what snapes idea was...   
  
  
  
  
  



	3. Default Chapter Title

The Hogwarts Bathroom - Part 3

Well its been busy with Christmas and New Year, and its summer where I am, so you know, I've been busy and I could Probably list a lot more reasons why this fic is later than I (and you) hoped but you probably want to get on to the fic. Right...

When we left off everything was back to normal, or was it? any way the ministry of magic was going to pay a visit to Hogwarts, and thats where part 3 starts... 

Lee Jorden and the Weasly twins ran into the great hall laughing,

"Hey Ron, Harry," -this part sound familair?- "You know that big squid thingie that lives in the lake?" said Fred

"We covered it with toilet paper!" said George

"The schools just recoved from your last prank" said Harry

"I gotta see this!" said Ron. And he and Harry ran out to the lake where Dumbledore was showing Cornilius Fudge around:

..."And if you look to the lake you will see that the giant squid in having some sort of breakdown becouse giant squids don't need to wipe, but if they did that would be the right amount of toilet paper" said Dumbledore 

"That reminds me" said Fudge "Iwill need to be using my regular toilet,"

"Your regular toilet?" asked Dumboldore.

"Yes, yes the one I always use when I visit the school" said Fudge

"Ahh well then I guess we should head of to the bathroom" said Dumboldore, and the both head off to the bathroom, Harry and Ron followed.

"Hey Harry" said Ron "Where did you learn that toilet paper spell?"

"It was in one of Hermiones books" answered Harry "Essential Toiletries: A Magical Guide to Functionary Survival" 

"Oh" said Ron.

By this time they had reached the bathroom. Fudge walks into the cubical and they allheard him scream: "WHERE DID MY TOILET GO!" They all ran into the cubical where Fudge had fallen down a hole where there had once been a toilet. 

"WHERE DID MY TOILET GO!" yelled Fudge again

"I believe Hagrid was wearing it" said Dumbledore, "Ahh can you get yourself out of there?"

"Not without my wand" said Fudge

"I'll throw it down" said Dumboldore, and he put his hand on the wand, just as he did that the wand started seeping goo onto his hand "Eeeww"

"Oh I forgot" said Fudge, "Only I can touch my wand"

"Hey, whats this door?" said Fudge as he turned the handle on a door on the side of the small room under the toilet, a huge flood of human waste fell on him

"Ahh thats the septic tank" said Dumboldore "I wonder if Snape knows an anti-stink potion or something, oh wait, he left with that big idea, I wonder what that idea was..."

Flash to the Durslys home on privit drive, a man on TV walks on to the screen to the sound of an apluding audience

"Ohh not this guy again" moans Vernan Dursly

"Are you sick and tired of flooding toilets?" said the man on TV "Well you can say goodbye to that problem with "Snapes Miricle Anti-flood Toilet Cleaner!" here to help me demonstrate is singer Britney Spears..."

At this timeVernon Dusrly turns of the TV and we cross back to hogwarts where everyone is in bed expect ofcouse for the minister of magic who is stuck down the toilet.

Harry and Ron are still awake in there dorm talking...

"Hey Harry" said Ron "Do you know any other weird toilet spells?"

"No" replyed Harry

"Well do you know where Hermione's been for like the last three days?" asked Ron

"No," replyed Harry "I don't

"You don't suppose all that toilet stuff has something to do with it, do you?" asked Ron

"Hey, whats that!" said Harry, he and Ron looked out the window to see someone take a photo of the giant squid, sudenly all the toilet paper on it turned into tiny rats (as it does) and the giant squid started snezing

"What should we do?" asked Ron, making that his third question this pahagraph

"Get Dumbledore" said Harry, and they both ran to Dumbledores room and banged on the door.

"What is it?" he said when he opened the door

"THE GIANT SQUID SNEZED!" yelled Ron

"It's more urgant than it sounds" said Harry

"Well we should do something boys" said Dumboldore "But I am still in my pajamas, we'll do something in the morning." 

Well thats the end of the Hogwarts Bathroom series of fan fiction- But what you say it can't be the end, the misiter of magic is stuck down the toilet, a giant squid is snezzing on Brittin and Dumbledore is still in his pajamas! stay tuned for my next fic "Harry Potter And The Giant Squid That Snezzed On Brittin" in witch Harry Potter along with Ron Weasley (and hey Hermione wasn't in this series I'll put in the next one if you like) 


End file.
